Fear of the Unknown

I used to be a daredevil. I wasn’t scared of anything or anyone. I did what I wanted to do without regards, whatsoever, to consequences. Call it youth, call it stupidity, but whatever it was, it was there and I couldn’t shake myself off it nor did I even try.

But consequences have a way of getting even and no one, not even the most elusive and most cautious of all perpetrators, could get away with it.. for long. So, my handiwork, most of which were destructive both to myself and other people, caught up with me and I paid the price for my indiscretions.

People pay for their mistakes, but for how long? How many times must a person get hurt in order to make up for the uncountable times he hurt others? I don’t know and I’m afraid to find out. So, I started to live in the abyss of irrational consternation.

Years have passed and I got older and supposedly wiser. But the fire of long ago has been extinguished, never to be relit, or so I say for now. Sometimes, I miss my days of spontaneity and recklessness. There are things I still want to try but wouldn’t and couldn’t. I grew too wary. It’s not necessarily failure I’m afraid of but the idea that I may not have time to rectify a new mistake I might commit for acting on impulse.

Yes, I’m afraid. Though I know I’m not supposed to be, I still am. I’m fighting with teeth and claw but fear always sneaks on me from behind my back and before I know it I’m choked and immobile with fright. I don’t like to feel this way so I fight it.

Maybe someday I’d get myself free from this paralyzing fear. I just wrote it down believing that it would help to talk it out for now.

The Good Sam

This is a re-post. It originally appeared on another blog on June 05, 2011. It is re-posted for sentimental reasons.

The Garcias* are among the well-to-do families in our town. They are quiet people, very polite and helpful to anyone.  Others, however, found them intimidating so stayed away from them. I, being an impressionable young girl at the time, kept my distance as well.

After a few years, I got a chance to meet and was actually befriended by one of the Garcias. He was a good looking young man with high level of intelligence, multiple talents and genuine kindness.  He was 9 years my senior. I easily learned why other people find them intimidating, they are simply 'too good to be true' but in his case, he was good and he was true.

More years passed and I heard that my friend was blessed with a beautiful life abroad with his wife, also a former acquaintance of mine. I also heard that he was sharing his blessings to other people in that he was recruiting skilled workers from our place to work abroad. Batches by batches of our childhood friends and colleagues soon worked and eventually migrated. With my friend's help, these people were able to go free of expenses. This good deed went on for years.

Until some members of the community questioned the truthfulness of his intentions. They circulated some news that he was asking for a substantial amount of money in exchange of his help and that's how he get to live a comfortable life. The doubt was sowed in the heart of the people, and my friend's reputation, was tarnished.

On 2009, I went home to the province and asked around. I learned that the recruitment of skilled workers was under a new management. Whoever applies undergoes the usual screening procedure and has to pay processing and placement fee, a really staggering amount.

I still get in touch with him through Facebook. Looking at his photos, I know he feels happy about what he was able to do, and though it was short-lived, I know it gave him pleasure knowing he made a difference in other people's lives..

 *not real name

The Embarrassed Friend

A friend has been staying with us for a month now. He's applying for a job abroad and while waiting, he decided to look for anything to do here. He scanned his cellphone and found the number of an old friend. He sent her a text message and excitedly told her that he was actually here in the city. After a very short while, his friend replied. As expected, she was happy to hear from him. My friend looked animated. I could see how excited he was to be to hear from a familiar person here in an unfamiliar face.

Then, I noticed that his expression turned grim. I asked him what's wrong and he said his friend stopped texting him back. I said maybe she ran out of load. He bought it. After a few more minutes, his message alert went off. It was his friend, only, it wasn't her because the message went: 'This is her husband. Who are you?' My friend was stunned. This couldn't be. He knew his friend's husband, in fact, he was a distant relative. Then, he suddenly recalled a gossip he recently heard from their place, that her friend got a new husband. So, this is the new husband.

He asked me what to say without putting her friend in jeopardy. I said tell him your name. As we expected, the husband said they didn't know of him. I told my friend to apologize for disturbing them and let it go. So, he did...

Sick at Heart

This is a RE-POST from my old blog and originally appeared on July 06, 2013. This is re-posted to save the article for sentimental reasons.

Sometimes, we just have to accept the truth that we’re hurting..

To be told you’re not good in what you do is painful. To be told that you’re not good in what you love to do is even more so.

How would you feel if you’re told that you suck in the very thing that you’ve always thought defines you? It feels like everything you know about yourself is one big lie. You will begin to question your skills, your talents and your knowledge that you’ve accumulated though the years. You will start to question whether it is wise to go on or just leave the trail and do something else. And you will feel a heaviness in your heart that makes everything look dark and difficult.

I feel so sick in my heart.

Life, though, will go on regardless of what you feel. The pain may or may not pass sooner than you’d like it to be, so the most matured thing to do is to live with it, live through it or simply.. live.

Crying may not fix anything, but shedding some tears would lessen the heaviness in the chest.

Difficult to Please

Jun* married Liza* after a few years of being sweethearts. They seemed to be all right at first. Jun is a good provider. He is a regular employee and has a stable job. Liza, on the other hand, seems like a fine wife. She is a compulsive housekeeper who keeps the house clean, as in.. really clean.

When their first child was born, their problems arose. The baby was always sick and constantly stayed in the hospital. Jun’s salary became inadequate for their needs. The problems piled on top of the other every time another baby was born. Luckily, Jun’s sister, Alice, was kind enough to help them every time they need anything.

Despite Jun’s efforts, Liza still feels he is not trying hard enough to make their lives better. She nagged Jun every chance she gets. One day, Jun, anxious to flee from her nagging wife, went to a friend’s house to drink. This angered Liza even more and gave Jun silent treatment. Jun was provoked and started to thrash things about. It was an unpleasant night for everyone including Alice who stays with them and who pays most of the bill.

The following day, Alice talked with Liza and tried to reason with her. Alice explained how things will probably get better if Liza and Jun will talk things over and settle whatever problem they had that time. Unexpectedly, Liza snapped at Alice and talked back in a vehement manner, telling her to mind her own business followed by a litany of bitter accusations. Alice was shocked. She didn’t know that her sister-in-law was nursing such grudges. She waited a few days and tried to talk with Liza again, but the latter ignored her.

Alice, believing that she did her part already kept both her silence and distance. Three weeks ago, the day before Jun’s birthday, Liza walked out. She took the, now three, kids and left Jun.

Last week, I asked Alice about Liza and the kids and she said she had no idea.

 *not real name

Meaning of Life

A Re-Post from 2013

Because of my fluctuating blood pressure which has been going on for a couple of weeks now, I’ve been very careful and watchful of my health. I walk around the subdivision every morning. I drink plenty of water. I watch out my food intake,  I sleep earlier than usual and I take a break every once in a while so as not to stress myself out.

Though I know everything is going to be alright, I can’t help feeling… unproductive. It feels like I’m wasting my time doing nothing of importance. It feels so demeaning. I know I’m not supposed to feel this way but even the usual everything happens for a reason quote fails to lighten me up.

Then, I read BRIDA by Paulo Coehlo and came to this part:

“Right now, while we’re here eating, ninety-nine percent of the people on this planet are, in their own way, struggling with that very question. WHY ARE WE HERE? Many think they’ve found the answer in religion or in materialism. Others despair and spend their lives and their money trying to grasp the meaning of it all. A few let the question go unanswered and live for the moment, regardless of the results or the consequences.

“Only the brave and those who understand the Traditions of the Sun and the Moon are aware that the only possible answer to the question is I DON’T KNOW.

“This might, at first, seem frightening, leaving us terribly vulnerable in our dealings with the world, with the things of the world, and with our own sense of existence. Once we’ve got over that initial fear, however, we gradually become accustomed to the only possible solution: to follow our dreams. Having the courage to take the steps we always wanted to take is the only way of showing that we trust in God.”

I suddenly felt.. vindicated. I also felt ashamed of being arrogant. Who am I to question the plans of the Great ONE? Why would I assume that I’m supposed to do more?

Now I think I can bravely answer the question.

Why am I here? Gee, I don’t know… :D

All He Ever Wanted

Dick* had been my brother’s friend and band mate for several years. He was a cute guy with charming smile. If I weren’t already married when I paid attention to him, maybe I could have gotten a crush on him just like the other girls.

Unlike the other girls, though, I knew Dick’s past. He was a product of a broken family. As the stories went, his mother left them when he was in grade school. Dick’s father, more handsome than Dick could ever be, did not take a new wife. He just stayed single and took care of Dick all by himself. I remember seeing him tagging along with the band when Dick was about nineteen years old.

All things considered, Dick only had one wish in his life, and that was to have a simple and happy family, something he didn’t have with his parents. And we sincerely wished him luck.

But his first girlfriend left him for a job overseas. His second girlfriend left him for another guy. He broke up with his third girlfriend because she was a drug user. Year after year, Dick has lived with and broke up with different girls, trying and hoping that he would find the one destined for him.

Now nearing 40, Dick lives with his current girlfriend. But unlike when we were younger, I could see how tired Dick’s eyes are. His smile is no longer as charming as it used to be. He may not want to admit it, but he’s already old, and the one and only wish he had in life is still a wish that might or might not come true..

 *not real name