Losing Something

I discovered I could sing when I was a teenager. Though I wasn’t blessed with an extraordinary voice, I know I can sing and I enjoy it. I may not be a professional singer, but I love it when I get off the mike and people would give me a thumbs-up which means they enjoyed my little performance.

Singing is a magical experience, in which you are able to express whatever it is you feel without the difficulty of choosing the right words and saving yourself from the embarrassment of being cheesy. It is both a private thing that separates the singer from the audience and a group experience shared by everyone who hears the song.

When I learned to play the guitar, I got to appreciate singing even more. I joined the church choir and sang for the Lord to give Him back the glory, though I didn’t know it at the time. When I went to college, my singing went from religious to secular. Then I did something that I would regret later, I abused my voice.

Last summer, when I offered tutorial at home, I just felt that my voice was breaking every time I sing with my student. I didn’t mind it at first, thinking that it will pass. It didn’t. Three months ago, I had laryngitis and was advised to rest my voice for two weeks. After two weeks, however, though I got my voice back, it breaks every time I speak. So, I couldn’t sing anymore, nor could I talk for a long period of time without a sore throat.

I’m afraid I lost my singing voice for good. I can’t describe what I actually feel. It’s too painful to think about it. Naturally, I want to blame someone, anyone, but there is no one to blame. Then, I want it back, but I know no amount of wishing would do.

I want to sing again. I want it so much it hurts. I’ve always known I’d lose my voice someday somehow, when I grow really old, but I didn’t know it would be this soon.