Dear Ma,
I would like to tell you how much I miss you.. I miss being with you and talking with you. I wanted to tell you a lot of things. First of which is how difficult it is for me to be a mother, that sometimes I'm no longer sure if I'm doing it right. There are times that I'm just too tired after a long day at work that I tend to snap at my kids over petty things like dirty feet and long fingernails. Sometimes, I feel that I'm not paying much attention that I was shocked when I saw my youngest's book with several pages of 'DO THIS' stamped on them. When I asked him why he wasn't able to do everything, he answered because I didn't help him. I keep on missing events in school. I can't even remember the last time I attended a PTC. I missed my youngest's Family Day, my middle child's Field Day and my eldest child's card distribution day. One time, I got angry at my younger daughter for being so long in front of the computer only to find out that she was doing a research in school. My eldest missed the Prom in her senior year because she got sick due to over fatigue. How did I let that happen? I can no longer remember..
Believe me, I'm trying my best.. but I keep on making mistakes. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough and I have to try even harder. I can't believe being a mother would be this difficult. It had been easier when they were babies. When all they did were cry when hungry or wet, and sleep and laugh when full and happy. But they got old and they would keep on getting older..
My eldest is going to college in June. I'm scared to let her go.. but I know I have no choice. I wish you were here to tell me what to do just like the old times when I was still young. But I am a mother now, and whoever said 'Mother knows best' wasn't completely right, because I don't. All I ever wanted was to be a good mother. But it seems like it's not that easy to be one..
I miss you so much. I love you... Take care...
Kimmy
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