Will Love Keep Them Alive?

Rose* is only 26 years old. I assume she was very young when she got married to my cousin Bert* because her eldest daughter is of the same age as my daughter, Mika. Her husband doesn’t have a stable job and Rose gave birth to their  youngest child, a boy, about 3 years ago. They already had 4 kids.

Late last week, I met with Rose. I found out that she was pregnant, again, to their 5th child. I was.. stunned. With my cousin jobless and Rose stay-at-home mom, how are they going to feed their 4 kids plus a baby? Obviously, they weren’t as worried as I was otherwise, Rose wouldn’t be pregnant right now.

Or maybe I was just overreacting. Maybe since I settled for just 3 kids I thought that other couples should do the same. Then, I asked Rose about her husband and she said he’s just the same which, I assume, means he still doesn’t have a stable job and he just drives a pedicab when someone lends him one. How often that happens, I have no idea.

I don’t judge them, nor discriminate them. I’m probably just an obsessive worry wart who thinks too much. But sometimes I wish they would think, too, not necessarily for themselves but for the future of their children.

*not real names

Keeping Together and Pulling Apart

Just a few years ago, I didn’t know what Facebook was and what it could do to me and to other people. Then, by the constant urges of my friends, I made an account and was, at first, excited to see my childhood friends, college friends and former co-workers. It was magical..

But then again, I noticed people exchanging hateful comments and I felt sad. Facebook is basically a nice thing, but if used for evil purposes, then it can be a dangerous tool.

Last year, I joined a group in Facebook. The group was formed primarily to keep old acquaintances together. It felt nice at first. Then, eventually, as if inevitable, some members  began to bicker and threw unpleasant comments at each other. The sad part is that they knew each other personally. How someone could say something bad about his friend for everyone to know is for me… pathetic.

Then last week, I learned that one of the members in my group was terminated from work because of a negative comment he posted on the group’s wall. I can’t remember what it was, or maybe I just hardly noticed, but surely, it must be something bad to have cost him his job.

I do believe that, with or without the magic of technology, we are blessed with wonderful things around us, but how to use them constructively or destructively is totally up to us..

The Real Victim in a 'Third Party' Issue Part 3

Is it always the wife?

Generally, I should say, yes. No matter how much Ruben* tried to control his feelings and avoided Glenda* in every possible way, his wife, Lena, is the obvious victim. She may be the worst wife in the world, nagger, slothful, dumb and so on, she doesn’t deserve to be duped.

Lena is jealous. She checks on Ruben as often as possible. As soon as her husband arrives, she checks his cellphone and asks about every single text message he sent. She rants on Ruben when he arrives late even for just ten minutes. She checks Ruben’s uniform for any sign of lipstick or make-up or any indication that he’s been another woman. She spends all her time checking on Ruben that she barely notices they have three children to take care of. That one of her children couldn’t read yet despite the fact that the child is already in first grade.

When she is being eaten by jealousy, she would snap at her kids as if everything were their fault. She is so obsessed by the idea that Ruben is cheating on her that she ignores the mess around the house, totally oblivious of the soiled clothes scattered everywhere and the various toys that cluttered the floor.

Lena may not be the best wife in the world, but it doesn’t justify Ruben’s falling for someone else. It doesn’t matter either that Ruben didn’t intentionally fall in love with Glenda, he fell in love with her violating his marriage vows to Lena, he is AT FAULT. And Glenda, her feelings don’t mean anything nor do her intentions, she got involved with a married man. Period.

We usually judge at face value, basing our judgment on what we see and NEVER in what we don’t see. The real victims here?

I think we are. We are victims of our own prejudice. We spend meaningless moments mulling over something we know nothing about and something that are none of our business.

*not real names

The Nice Guy

Fifteen years ago, my husband and I met at a park near the public transportation terminal. Since we were both tired and hungry, we went inside a diner and ordered chicken and rice.

When we were seated, we saw three boys entered. From the looks of them, they practically lived on the streets. In the tallest boy’s palm were a heap of coins. It took them a long time to decide what to order and finally settled for two cups of rice and a piece of chicken. They thanked the crew who gave them their order and they took the table right beside ours.

They broke the warm chicken into small pieces and took turns with the spoon and fork. They were halfway with their meal when I asked my husband if we could give my rice to the boys so they could eat more. But then I saw a neatly dressed guy who left his friends in their table and got another order of the same meal the boys were eating and served it to them.

The boys were speechless at first. Then, they found their voices and thanked the guy in unison. This time, they ate with gusto and even joked between mouthfuls. Though they came in last, they were still the first to finish eating.

When they were done with their food, they tucked the chairs and went over to the ‘nice guy’ and thanked him again. The guy just nodded and told them to ‘take care.’ Then, they left the diner obviously full and happy. I looked at the retreating figures of the boys and the serene face of the nice guy and realized how a cup of rice and a leg of fried chicken can make a difference.

The Real Victim in a 'Third Party' Issue Part 2

A man who has another woman is always the object of contempt among girls. He is a jerk and he deserves to suffer the most painful of all pains. He should be left alone, unloved and unwanted and all the painful things we could think of.

But… Are they all like that?

In the case of Glenda* and Ruben*, I couldn’t help feeling sorry for Ruben. He didn’t want to mess up his family. All he ever wanted was a peaceful life, a stable job, a loving wife and wonderful children. But by some twist of fate, the very thing that he wanted more than anything else, is something that is very difficult to get, no matter how simple and common it may be.

He was content with what he had. He was happy with what he did, working hard to provide for his family. Who would ever guess that he would meet a very special woman, sweet, funny, and very nice to be with. He didn’t want to be disloyal, he didn’t want to be unfaithful. He tried to stay away while he could, but fate sometimes plays practical jokes on us but instead of laughing, we end up bleeding.

Ruben fell in love with Glenda, the kind of love that tends to be protective and nurturing. He wanted what’s best for her even if it means losing her in the long run. He was willing to suffer in silence and let go if it would mean she would be happy. He wanted her to find the very thing that he could not give her, marriage.

He didn’t mean it. In fact, he didn’t want it to happen. But it did. And even he had no power to change how he felt. He loved Glenda and it hurt him more than he could admit that she became a victim to such a complicated situation where she would be at the losing end eventually.

People view him as a heartless and unfaithful jerk. Nobody would even consider that he is a victim just as well…

*not real names

To Err is Human..

Lena* was a childhood friend and if I bother to track down our ancestors, could be distant relative. She was raised by her mother’s aunt, a self-righteous woman with sharp tongue. For some reasons, the old woman always find fault in everything Lena did.

When I got a little older, I learned that Lena was a daughter out of wedlock. Her mother, considered a bad woman for having her, chose to banish herself from the clan leaving Lena to her sister. The sister, a widow at thirty with two young boys to raise, gave baby Lena to their mother’s sister.

The old woman provided for Lena’s needs by feeding her and keeping her under her roof. All of Lena’s clothing, however, were hand-me-down from us, distant relatives. Lena was sent to a public school and was required to do the household chores under the close inspection of her great-grand aunt. I couldn’t actually say the old woman was cruel to Lena, only that she was never affectionate. What more, she always told Lena how she expected the girl to turn out just like her mother, a loose woman. All her life, Lena lived under the shadow of her mother’s mistakes.

At fifteen, Lena went away with a man proving her grand aunt she was just like her mother. Unfortunately, the man Lena went away with was abusive. It seems like he beat her when he gets drunk which was often. Lena left him to live with another man. At that point, Lena was considered dead by her grand aunt.

About a month ago while I was chatting with my brother, Lena’s name came up. Only then did I learn that Lena got sick and died and no one went to her funeral, not even her aunt or grand aunt.

How could someone die without having lived? Or if she lived, what kind of life was it?

 *not real name

The Real Victim in a 'Third Party' Issue

My friend, Glenda* is single. She is pretty and smart and she works as a beauty consultant in a health and beauty shop. So, other people have been wondering why she isn’t married yet. Only very few of us know that she is actually involved with a married man, Ruben*.

Sad. That was the very first thing that came to my mind. And I understand why Glenda is keeping it a secret. Nobody likes the other woman, she is a home-wrecker, a serpent, a hateful creature and she deserves contempt. But Glenda is not like that at all. She is kind and sweet and compassionate. Her only mistake is falling in love with the wrong guy, or is he really wrong?

According to Glenda, Ruben is a kind and sweet man. He loves his family so much. He respects his wife and he adores his children. He didn’t intend to fall in love with Glenda, he just DID. He even requested to be transferred to another branch of the shop in order to avoid Glenda. But fate has a way of getting people together.

One day, he saw Glenda having a hard time getting a ride home. She looked tired and haggard and it was obvious that she was dying to get home. He offered her a ride on his motorcycle. But while on their way, it rained hard. They ended up in a private room.

Glenda believes that Ruben really loves her. He never forced her to do anything for him, nor take advantage of her in any way. Whatever happens to them is a mutual decision. Glenda never asked anything from Ruben, money, time, or even loyalty. She knows how much he loves his family and she is happy with what little time he can give her. She never asked him to leave his family so they could live together. She loves Ruben unconditionally and what is important to him is just as important to her.

How can we hate such a person?

*not real name